Five Years Later

September 22

Saturday was our 5 year wedding anniversary which for me was an odd thing I have to say. Yes the day was great, dinner and a movie with the man I love but there was just something I couldn't put my finger on.

September 22 a day that holds so many wonderful memories but the day 5 years ago was honestly a blur, the moments seemed to pass me by, only stopping for a few seconds for me to actually enjoy them. Such a special day it was, one I had waited for so long. 

5 years later the day felt well different. I mean obviously it wasn't our wedding day, there was no ceremony, there were no parties, it was just the two of us.  It was special just in a different way.



So what was I think on the day of our five year anniversary......?

You know how when you get married or even when you graduate from school (high school or college) you have big plans for yourself. You have these grand dreams of where you will be in 5, 10 years. The job you will have, the family, house, car, money you will make are all part of the picture.

Well to be honest I think part of the difficult thing for me was the fact that I made all those plans, I knew where I was going to be 5 years from then but while I have nothing to be disappointed about (God has blessed us in so many ways) I just had to feel a bit like I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to in the last 5 years.

Home: We have a wonderful home, I really enjoy where we live and am thankful that we are able to live somewhere so nice.

Church: Wow, what can I say? I really like our church, we are both involved and have met most of our friends here. People who have taken us under their wing and people to share our lives with. Not to mention a great place to feel at home and worship God.

Job: While I struggled a bit in the beginning with having a job I liked I have one now. Yes I have to get up early and drive 45 minutes but is it worth it? Yes it is. I have great coworkers, vacation, sick time, benefits and am able to do what I am good at and love to do.

Car: Well while I never thought we would have replaced both our high school/college cars by now we have and I am SO thankful to have 2 reliable cars to get us both to our jobs every day.

Pets: I can't forget Louie, I mean how could I? It took a bit but I talked Curtis into getting a cat. He makes our lives so full of laughter. He is a great pet and just really is great to have around when one is home alone, it makes you not feel alone.

Money: Well all I can say here is that we again have been blessed, we aren't loaded by any means but we do alright, we are able to help others and are managing to make a dent in those student loans, 2 of which we hope to have paid off in the next 2 years!

So these things are all great, awesome in fact and I am SO THANKFUL for everything we have and how far we have come as a couple...but....yes there is a but....I still don't quite feel like I have been the success that Curtis deserves and that I saw myself being.


Why?

Well I guess I saw myself with one key word I mentioned above but didn't refer to again...a family. We are a family yes and I have Louie and Curtis, that is my family, not to mention my parents etc. But I saw us beginning our own family by now I guess. I mean 5 years is awhile and while I thought I saw myself starting a family at 25 that changed when I realized, "haha yeah right, I'm not ready for that." But I guess I figured at almost 28 after 5 years of marriage the journey would have begun....


Not to mention there is the what appears to be every day someone announcing they are pregnant on Facebook, come on already...

I also never thought that when I was "fat" before that I could possibly get fatter. Well come to find out I wasn't fat then, I'm fat now, UGH if only I would have know then.

Yeah sometimes we make our own plans but I think God is teaching me that our plans might not be the same plans he has for us. My life is already mapped out and no matter how discouraged or upset I get I need to have faith that everything will work out, yeah maybe not in the way that I always imagined but in HIS way, the only way.  So instead of getting upset or sad I try to take a deep breath and pray, pray for peace, for continued guidance, for me to feel the blessings and be thankful for them where I am right now, even if it isn't where I imagined myself.


I am thankful for all I am I REALLY am so that is why it seems so selfish and awful of me to still feel like I do.

Whatever God's will I pray it will be done in my life and that I can be the person he wants to be become and be, not the person I saw myself becoming. I mean how can one improve on the person He wasn't us to be/become after all.......